The Truth About Work Friends
Employees with a best friend at work are twice as likely to be extremely satisfied with their workplace—yet only 2 in 10 have one. Should we care?
Hi, I am Chris! I am lit up by connecting creatives and discovering how they stay connected to meaning in their work. Please like and restack this text. It helps spread it on Substack and clear up a misconception. If my words resonated with you, just subscribe to The Why Worker. My stories are free.
Work life isn’t simple. But there are signs guiding us onto the right path. One of these signs is the friendship indicator. If you don’t have a best friend at work, you might be in the wrong place.
Engagement at work is stronger if you have a best friend there. One of the most impacting Gallup studies shows strong connection between friendship and overall satisfaction with the workplace. Let me share some of its findings.
Would you recommend your workplace? If you would have a best friend at work the likelihood is 44% you said YES. Twice as high as for those without one.
Are you actively looking for another job? The likelihood is 12% smaller you said YES if you would have a best friend at work. This doesn’t directly equate to turnover, but it shows that best friends are less likely to leave.
How satisfied are you with your workplace? No surprise: 32% of those with a best friend at work report being extremely satisfied—compared to only 15% of those without one.
Isn’t it amazing just half of all managers encourage the development of workplace friendships? I would say, there is room for improvement.
We are emotional beings. We are steered by joy, fear, anger, sadness and more. Efficient processing of negative emotions is good for business. And if it gets overwhelming many look for someone they trust:
Do you have some minutes?
We instinctively know we can’t carry the world’s burdens alone. Nearly everyone longs for friendship. 83% of American adults have a best friend. But only 2 in 10 have one at work.
One explanation could be the desire to shield private life from work. Many fear that work stress might spill over into their personal time—which it often does. But that’s not because of friends at work. It’s due to unresolved sadness, fear, and anger.
Some fear that relationships won’t survive as their careers evolve, so they prioritize a potential future over their present life.
For some, every workday feels like doomsday. They avoid saying a single word about work, protecting themselves against further spiraling downwards. But the truth is, it gets worse without friends at work.
In fact, friends are an enjoyable form of prevention. Friends help us to process basic emotions. Enjoyment is the easiest: a buddy at work makes life better—whether in the kitchenette or a board meeting. For fun, you don’t need a best friend.
But on the emotional downside, it’s different. We trust our friends. We love them. We invite them to calm us down or give us perspective. They either help soothe our sadness, fear, and anger—or they help us channel those emotions into bold action. Either way, it’s comforting and reduces stress.
Friendship makes many things easier at work. It drives engagement and satisfaction. It also fosters kindness—both for individuals and across the office.
Contagious kindness
Once, a peer came across quite harsh in a meeting. The topic was a team event for our entire engineering section. Management’s participation rate was poor. Excuses here, excuses there. My peer didn’t attend either and justified why that was okay.
Later under four eyes he told me:
At work I have colleagues. In private I have friends.
It hit me like a bird flying into a glass door. At the time, I was trying to build a deeper connection with my peers.
Today I know, he was so wrong. A manager who isn’t interested in making friends with their peers likely won’t encourage their associates to build friendships either. It’s simple: leaders who interact friendly set the tone for everyone else.
This is observable in everyday life. When I spot my neighbor happily chatting with another neighbor I’d love to join. Seeing joy makes us feel joyful. When somebody offers their seat to an elderly person on the bus I feel comfortable warmth in my chest.
For more details you might check Mike Sansone ‘s piece on kindness.
Openly shown kindness is contagious. Kindness is rewarding. Yet people often underestimate the effect of being kind—especially with non-friends. In fact, every leader can change that.
Great leaders make friends by default
Friendship affects far more than just two coworkers. It raises the overall kindness in the workplace. A simple way to boost satisfaction is by making friends.
Studies show that engagement at work is heavily influenced by managers. 70% of the changes in the team are initiated by the leader. If the leader doesn’t organize bonding activities—or doesn’t appear to have friends—the team won’t either.
It’s a leader’s responsibility to encourage the development of friendships. They ‘lead by example’. Josh Gratsch discussed why that isn’t simple and gives advice how to leaders can support effectively.
Great leaders understand the value of friendship. Probably they became great, as it’s their natural ability to make friends.
Not deal friends, but real friends.
Well-known leaders nurture friendship and grow from there. Strong personalities attract other strong personalities. If they team up disruption becomes possible. Some iconic relationships are:
Netflix: Reed Hastings and Ted Sarandos
Reed is the co-founder and former CEO of Netflix, while Ted has served as Chief Content Officer and was later appointed co-CEO. Ted to Reed: “Thank you for changing my life personally and professionally for the better over the past 22 years.”Shine: Naomi Hirabayashi and Marah Lidey
Naomi and Marah are co-founders of the mental health and wellness app Shine. "We met working together (…) and instantly became close friends. As coworkers, and as friends, we were able to lean on each other through the highs and lows of our day-to-day."Meta: Mark Zuckerberg and Chris Cox
Chris was Facebook’s Chief Product Officer and one of its earliest employees. Mark owns the company. Chris: “I respect and care about Mark so deeply that I would never really want to get into more detail than that.”Google: Larry Page and Sergey Brin
Co-founders of Google, Larry and Sergey met during their graduate studies at Stanford University. From Sergey’s biography: “after spending time together they 'became intellectual soul-mates and close friends.'”Berkshire Hathaway: Warren Buffett and Charlie Munger
Warren is Chairman and CEO. Charlie was the Vice Chairman. Warren about Charlie: “We were gonna have fun together, we were gonna make money together, we were gonna get ideas from each other.”
Primary takes
The work-life balance tips towards life when we have work friends. Work doesn’t get heavier by work friends—they make work more enjoyable.
We don’t need a best friend at work to party in the office. It’s awesome to have fun at work and I truly wish it everybody—daily.
We need best friends for hard moments. Every job has its dark side—parts we dislike, make us angry or sad. Best friends help us deal with it. They lift us up, when we are sinking. Because this is how friendship works.
‘Work-life-balance’ is often misunderstood. As work and personal life are deeply intertwined we can’t cut the one from the other. ‘Work-life-balance’ doesn’t mean ‘don’t make work friends’. It means spend enough private valuable time each day to balance out the negative stuff—whether it happens in the office or the café.
Being disappointed by a colleague doesn’t mean all coworkers are the same. It shouldn’t stop us from opening up to those who deserve it.
We shouldn’t think about how to maintain a work friendship after changing jobs or roles. Let’s simply lean to it.
Consciously keeping friendships out of work won’t make you any happier.
We shouldn’t wait for the work day to end. Let’s talk to a friend and tell them what happened. It doesn’t matter whether they live in another city or sit next to our work desk.
I am Chris. I am a seasoned tech lead, lit up by connecting creatives and discovering why and how they stay connected to meaning in their work. I founded the publication The Why Worker. If you liked this article, share it please.
I've not seen this study about having a friend at work, but I'm not surprised. Even if you work in a bad environment, having someone there can certainly make a huge difference. It's one of the biggest reasons I advocate networking in the workplace if you are in a toxic situation.
Tremendous read with lots of gold nuggets. Thank you for the kind nod. Stay courageous and contagious with your wonderful efforts!